Okay, maybe (hopefully!) we aren't doing THAT, yet we moms sure have ample ammo for our Self-inflicted Guilt rifles, don't we?
Sure, we try to do our best to make allowances for the fact that we're mere women, and therefore fallible, and allowed to forego "Perfect" and simply do what we can, as best we can, every time we remember to do so. But still, most of us can surely plead guilty to the charge of feeling bad/sad/mad/frustrated with not being exactly the type of mom we feel our babies deserve, right? #AllinagreementsayI
That said, I want to address two Guilt Makers, and do my part to help kick their asses to the curb! Lord knows there are more than these two but the ones below are the ones I've heard most often both from the moms in my personal and professional circles, and in my own head. *Warming up muscles to commence ass kicking*
Guilt Maker #1: YELLING. I know I've done it, and I know that three-quarters of the time, I feel like a complete jackass immediately after I'm done. Plus, our girls tend to look at me like I'm certifiably insane when I do it, which does nothing for my yell-to-make-a-point mission.
Get outta here, guilt! *Whop!* (that's the kicking sound, duh!)
Possible Squelcher
Seriously? You thought I had a solution to this one? Well, I don't. I actually think there's nothing wrong with it (when done in moderation) because it's a perfectly appropriate response to the "noise" that is their shoes/toys in the middle of the family room, or their constant bickering about whose turn it is on the computer, or their insistence on going from their usual lightening speed (read: running all the time) to the pace of a snail with a broken whatever-the-hell-snails-walk/crawl-on when I ask them to do something.
I actually feel like they're yelling at me sometimes, saying "I will not rush just because you're waiting" or "We refuse to consider that foolish my turn/her turn crap you keep telling us about during computer time" or "We will lose our pencils EVERY day, then complain that you or daddy must have taken them, and that's final!", so why shouldn't I show them what their "yelling" feels like every once in a while? Huh? Really, why shouldn't I.
Okay, this isn't a squelcher, but it is my recommendation (whatever that's worth) on when it's perfectly fine to yell at a kid who's able to speak, walk, read, and write.
1. When you have no doubt that they heard you call their name the last three times.
2. When they insist on interrupting you with the "mommy, let me tell you how you're being unreasonable" bit.
3. When they do something that could endanger them or their sibling(s).
4. Anytime after 8:00 PM on Sundays through Thursdays, and 9:30 PM on Fridays or Saturdays
Guilt Maker #2: The "YOU'RE ANNOYING ME" tone (or actual statement): I'm sure some psychiatrist somewhere has written a series of books about what's wrong with a mother if she's annoyed by her own children. Well, that professional opinion is not welcome in my house, because sometimes, the things the girls do annoy me. Side eye me all you want to, I'm just being honest. I love my miracle babies more than words can express, and I do feel bad sometimes about being annoyed, but I can't help it if they're good at being annoying, and I certainly can't help how their annoying ways make me feel, can I?
Do this (to guilt, not your child(ren) *Blap-Sckrwwwzzzhhh-Crackak!* (That's a jiu-jitsu take-down, followed by a Kamura):
Possible Squelcher: Dude, they're 6 and 4, shouldn't they get it by now that I don't want to be reminded that I said we'd go to the park at 5:30? I KNOW because I'm the one who said it. So why at 4:32, 4:46, 4:58, and 5:09 are you going to stand at the door with your shoes on going, "Maaaaahhmmieeeee, remember, park time?" I'm sorry, but that's annoying, and isn't it my job as one half of the prepare-them-for-society team to make sure they know how that sort of behavior would be received? Seriously, isn't it?
I do actually have a potential solution for this guilt-maker! Replace the words "you're annoying me" with one of these nifty options: a) completely ignoring them (if you're gangsta like that) b) smiling, but saying nothing (but it has to be one of those "I'm crazy, you know that, right?" smiles that make them back away from the mama, or c) Remind your child(ren) that mommy can get frustrated too, so they need to pay attention to your body language, and lay off the things that seem to make mommy upset or annoyed. Believe it or not, option c works quite well about 60% of the time. I also threaten to take away all outdoor time, and that's also a rather effective threat. What works for you in these situations?
Kiruma illustration (because Execumama Enterprises is a RESOURCE entity, remember?)
But seriously, Execumamas, let's try to find solutions to these Guilt-makers because neither we nor our children need the stress that comes with guilt. We are always teaching our children something, and operating from a place of guilt, or reacting to their normal behavior as children as if we too are children, are not the types of lessons we want to pass on. I'm not pointing fingers, either, I'm looking in the mirror! #Realtalk
Below are a few resources that may help with the yelling bit. As for being annoyed by your own babies from time to time, I've got nothin', sis! I do know for certain though, that I was simply me before I became mommy, and I am allowed to have my feelings. #Kanyeshrug
Consant Yelling Can Be ...
A psychotherapists' perspective on yelling
Baby Image credit
Fight image derived from this original photo
