Some things never change. Seemingly, from time immemorial, recess holds firm as the place and time when life-shaping occurrences unfold, and the people we grow to become are undoubtedly influenced by the things we experience during this free time period called Recess.
I want to know how Execumama readers would handle this situation. I've gotten strong perspectives on opposing ends of the spectrum on what Kris and I should have done, or should be doing as a result of Marley giving us this information. We're treating our child, and giving her the tools we think will keep her sound while perhaps allowing her to lead by example for others who may be getting "different" insight at home. We're doing what we believe is best, so in prayer and gut-feeling, we're satisfied.
But what would you have done?
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Wednesday, January 20, 2010
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27 comments:
Wow, that is such a shame that she had to deal with this at 5 yrs old. I think you are doing well with your daughter and have taught her how to deal with others who might not be nice or friendly for whatever reason. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders. :)
Akila, I'm sorry Marley was faced with this, and I would wish that it never happened. However..
Making assumptions that the parents raised the child to think 'black children are scary' is a slippery slope.
Kids, will be kids. And this child's parents might probably be appalled at this comment from her. Children often say and do things around other children that they've heard in surroundings other than their own homes, or that they think would get a shock reaction (yes five year olds can go for shock value you know, you have a five year old.) They're not the most sensitive creatures at 5, but they learn. They learn that their words can hurt, and that words often have consequences.
I'm not saying to ignore this behavior. I would certainly use it here as a teaching moment. I am saying that sadly, this is probably but the first time your precious child will be confronted with a comment that is less than sensitive on any level. (think mean girls) She's beautiful and articulate and I know that she's been raised well! You're a beautiful woman and mother, thanks for bringing it to our attention.
Woa...too much drama for a 5 year old. I'm glad Marley was comfortable enough come home and tell you guys what happened. I truly hope she continues to do so. I remember growing up and not telling my parents hardly anything about my day, much less anything negative.
I commend you a parents for one, sharing this and two, taking a moment to gather the best response to Marley's "bump in the road".
Honestly, my gut reaction would have been to say, "forget about her. If she can't accept you as you are, then don't talk to her. She probably wouldn't be a good friend to have." But in actuality, my gut response is not the best response as in life, we encounter people who won't accept us for who we are, and we sometimes can't simply ignore or forget about them.
I don't look forward to concersations like these with my son, although sadly I'm sure they will arise.
I was just a Frontline webisode on The Class Divided experiment:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/video/flv/generic.html?s=frol02s42cq66&continuous=1
Marley's experience (some 40+ years later) just shows that we still have work to do when it comes to teaching our children about bigotry. the other girl was repeating a prejudice she learned somewhere. hopefully, Marley's graceful reaction went a long way toward changing that girl's attitude.
Marley is truly a reflection of sound parenting.
@Debbie Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for your comment. I'm with you on the "kids will be kids" mentality. I'm not immune to the cringes from one of my girls making a comment not in line w/ how we're raising them. Certainly, as they are in the massive bits of new info gathering stage of their lives, it will take some processing to get things "right". However, in our home, we encourage free thinking, and Marley's supposition in no way left me feeling discouraged, nor do I feel it was a slippery slope, because she's trying to make sense of a pretty heavy topic, and in time, she will.
What I was pleased with is the fact that, at the moment, the comment didn't seem to make her self-conscious or feel bad about herself in any way. Equally, I was SO PROUD of her for talking with the girl and expressing herself. As a follow up, she told me that she and the girl played together on the track the following day, and they had fun!! If only adults could take on such traits :O)
You did the right thing by dealing with it head on. We had an issue 2 years ago when someone got really pissed at my daughter and dropped the "N" bomb on her. She didn't tell us and we found out through others. The Principal didn't even call us cause she wanted the problem to go away. Anyway, we faced it right then and explained racisim to her in a way she could understand.
And I agreee with your daughter that it's ashame there are still people in the world like that.
Oh. My. Good. Lord.
At age 5?
REALLY?!
Honestly, Akilah, I think Marley handled it beautifully—such a wise girl (I've told you over and over again that she's been here before...). And I'm proud of you, too, for talking her through it, and giving her the foresight to go back the next day and play with the girl to show her that there's nothing for her to be scared of.
I don't know that I would have been as graceful. My convo would have started and ended with, "Clearly, she has no good hometraining and someone at her house taught her to be that way and she's not worthy of breathing the same air as you. Tell her that, and then go play with someone else." That's my gut talking. Hell, that's my brain talking, too. I guess after 41 years on this Earth, I don't suffer fools well—even 5-year-old fools. I guess I'm just tired of the idea that we have to make others feel "comfortable" around us. If you don't get how being around me and mine is actually adding to your shine, then I don't want YOU to be around me. Your ignorance is scary. That's probably what Mari and Lila would have been ordered to say.
But I totally get why you handled it the way that you did, and I'm proud of you and Marley for that!
(Okay, but is Marley like the cutest little TV star EVER?!)
Oh yes Denene, Marley is the cutest little TV Star EVER!!! Marley, you handled it sooooo well. The result of good home training - something this other kid apparently DOES NOT HAVE. What a shame that in this day and age, little black children still have to deal with the idosyncracies of children of other nations' dunce family members who instill this crap into their little heads. Good job Marley! You are confident and it shows. Even though you cried, you were still brave. Good job Akilah (& Kris). It's folks like you who make the greatest parents any child can ever have.
Unbelievable! Ok, first, someone needs to give Marley her own television show-quick-fast and in a hurry...she is such a natural! I just want to say thank you, Akilah and Kris for doing such a wonderful job with Marley. As evidenced by how Marley handled the situation,you two do a lot of talking with your children and use incidents like the one described as teaching moments. However, it is disturbing to know that parents are NOT having the necessary conversations with their children to prepare them for the diverse communities in which they live. We just had a similar occurrence with our 8 year old son and we, too, jumped all over the opportunity to teach.
Again, please give my little Marley a big high five and tell her she rocks!!!
Wow. Just wow.
First let me say, that even though I've met you only once, Marley is you all the way. And yes, she needs her own show. She is a natural. =)
Secondly, it is really sad that people are still operating and thinking like this. Worst off, raising their kids like this. As I watched this video and listened, I don't know if I felt more sorry for the young girls who obviously are being shaped (whether by parents, family or media) to think this way or your precious daughter having to experience this at such a innocent age.
Lastly, I think that you and your hubby handled this extremely well. Hats off to Marley's "bigger person" attitude. She is a beautiful child and a beautiful person in the making. You two should be very proud.
I had to collect myself after seeing Marley's video. One because she is absolutely darling (loved the "deep cleansing breath" from one yogini to another) and because I can clearly remember a time when I was told to write this off as kids' stuff. It isn't, it's LIFE stuff. I applaud your family for taking this on with such grace. I won't lie and say that I didn't pause the vid and roll my eyes and neck a few times. I also called my daughter over to ask her if any of her friends do this to her or other children, or if she's ever done this to another child. It was indeed a teaching moment. Thank you for sharing, and what a gift you have in Marley.
Wow...Marley is quite an old soul. I am very proud of the way she handled the situation, fast & clear thinking. Great teaching moment to affirm who she is and to strengthen her image of who WE are. YAY MARLEY!! and yes she should have her own show.
I thought back to when I was 5 years old, growing up in the South it was common place for otha-hued kids to say just about anything they felt to us darker-hued kids...no matter how hurtful, and even if they were our "friends". Sad that we haven't moved much further from those kinds of mental hindrances and least of all that our kids should have to deal with them, too.
No matter where they get their information, our kids are our representatives when they leave our homes to socialize with others. So we have to reinforce our ideals constantly. By doing exactly what you did Akilah...talking to Marley. Cheers!!
Your child has an amazing personality and anyone who doesn't want to play with her for whatever reason is missing out.
I don't know how I would have handled it... I probably would have wanted a conference with the child's parents and principal.
I would want to make sure that it didn't happen again and was truly resolved.
You must be so proud of the young woman you are raising. Although it hurt me terribly to hear it, I wanted to stand and applaud her by the end of it.
She is beautiful, articulate and with such an open mind and heart and an adult couldn't have handled that situation any better.
So glad that you gave her space to figure it out for herself. As far as the "slippery slope" comment, I have to say that I disagree. There are somethings that children do that don't point directly to us as parents and then there is the fact that their most strong behaviors generally have a big' ol' neon arrow pointing at us. Even if your child has pick this behavior or mind set up somewhere else you still have some questions to ask yourself such as what environments are they in where they could be made to feel comfortable with saying something like that to another child. My son called someone by nationality and I though I would drop dead from embarrassment, but I knew where it came from. We had been discussing nationality and race. I corrected and moved on, but he didn't make any negative associations with race, because none were given.
Again, glad you have raised such a strong young woman that will be intelligent enough to turn the world as we know it on it's head.
A-
Certainly, I meant no afront to you or to Marley, she's a special soul indeed. You done good mamma! And yeah its some pretty weighty stuff for a 5-6 year old to absorb let alone process...Freethinking and peace and love are wonderful to instill in your children..no doubt. And prepping them for the future is too! Again you do good work, be proud she's an amazing beautiful child..
Your daughter is very beautiful. And she should be and obviously is proud of who she is. this event provides a great learning opportunity for your daughter and maybe even yourself and others. the little white child who said she was scared of your child may or may not have been taught outright by her parents to act like that, however television radio and other media do teach people (even black people) to fear black people.the little girl may have been reflecting an innate fear of genetic annialation that white people have(See the Isis papers by Dr Francis Cress Welsing)which is a the root of their aggression to others races especially black people.
Wow, This seems alot for a typical 5-year old. But you know; Marley is in no way a typical "onery" child she is simply amazing. This to me is a testimony of the wonderful work you and Kris are doing with the kids. You daughter is a leader and she will be the one to help other kids and adults overcome their inferiority or superiority complexes. You just watch. You see Akilah, I share you views ..In that we must empower our kids so they can deal with the challenges,they will face daily, must continue to help them be confident. This is my passion On my website and blog(mamausedtosay.com) we share about these issues.
Just watching the way Marley related the story is simply ....just wow, now that's a confident child, that's a child who knows, she is loved, she feels, the love of her family, she feels God's Love; that's a child who know's she is beautiful(watch her posing for the video..LOL), That's a child destined for Greatness.
May I have your permission to post this o my blog and facebook page
I just wanted to chime in. For me, this was heart-breaking in the smaller sense, but beyond infuriating, for the most part. As Marley's father, I was willing and able to fill the role of protector in this case, but what do I do to a 5-6 year old? To their parent? It is frustrating when you feel so helpless, when you can't exact the retribution that your history of testosterone insists that you dole out.
My only bridge to sanity was a discussion I had with Marley about a month ago while we were getting ready for school. "Mommy and I are raising you to be better versions of ourselves. Someone with all our best traits and none of our weaknesses..." (this was me explaining to her why she and her sister are vegetarian and I am not). I see now that we are on the right track to raising her.
We parent because it is our duty to raise a better person than us. The goal is not to live through our children, but to help them build the internal support system they will need to enjoy their lives and live it to the fullest.
It was that perspective saved me from making a fool of myself that day.
That's right Marley, live by example. Marley handle this well, but as pointed out, why should she have to deal with such things. Big ups to Akilah and Kris for doing such a wonderful job as parents.
Kris, the talk you had with Marley is the same we have with our Warrior Princesses. Those moments in time do help you to refrain from doing something foolish and regrettable.
I cannot leave without pointing out how much Marley loooooooves the camera. Lol.
Man, that hurt. So proud of her though...a great reflection of her parents.
When my daughter was in school, she went to a predominantly black school, but she hung out with one white girl in particular. The white girl used my daughter as 'protection' against the 'scary black girls.' She pushed my tiny girl around, forcing her into the protective role, even though my daughter was younger and smaller than everyone else in the class.
My daughter didn't tell me about this at the time. If she had, I would have told her to stop playing with the controlling friend.
If my child had been in Marley's shoes, I probably would have told her to ignore and not play with those children. She shouldn't have to teach anyone how to behave; she's 5 years old! Who is protecting her feelings and self interests?
so sorry i am coming into this late...
i too am so very sorry that marley had to hear this... i got goosebumps, and cried a bit for her, for us, for that ugly part of human nature that in some people causes them to lash out at others for perceived differences... that being said, i was blown away by her handling of it... very self-assured, comfortable in her skin, she had coping mechanisms in place that she performed without an adult... your parenting skills are exceptional... it must have made you so proud to know that in her short number of years here (this time around!) she was able to take this and process it so quickly - in her own way, which you then provided your insight and guidance to... i guess i would hope you contacted the school... my kids are in a very diversified system as well - which pleases me... and i know that they get all kinds of visits from the social worker regarding sensitivity/tolerance... i would imagine this is in place at your elementary school as well... a very beautiful handling - and what a superb job done by marley...
I have got to ask if it is okay if I quote Kris on the reason we parent (3rd paragraph). I've just got to share this. Don't know where, when or how I'll fit it in on my blog, FB and twitter, but it must be done.
It is sad that in today's society, we are still faced with such ignorance. The bad news is that it still exists. The good news is that we are in a better position when are open to dialogue and making the best of teachable moments.
One thing Execumama has done by sharing this situation is that she has opened up the forum for dialogue on the important topic of race relations, or lack thereof, that is still prevalent today.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, young Marley is acting somewhat as an agent of change. I noticed several good things that Marley did as told through her story/interview. After expressing her emotions (through removing herself from the situation and crying a bit), she remembered what her mother had taught her, which means she is listening to her mother!
It took a big person to address the situation head on and in a respectable manner. Marley facilitated a conversation between herself and another child, which may have positively changed the other child's outlook on an entire group of people. Wow!
I think we can see in Execumama and Marley's video that Execumama, whether she knows it or not, is touching on a technique that is taught through the works of Dr. Myrna Shure (and likely many others) called "I Can Problem Solve." Execumama asks questions of Marley and genuinely allows Marley to think through the questions and provide a response. Dr. Shure also wrote a book called "Raising a Thinking Child." I think Execumama is doing a good job of raising a thinking child.
On that note, I would like to end this response with a call-and-response that starts off like this... "I am you. You are me. That's the way it has to be. I love you. You love me. In this way, we'll all be free." anonymous
Akilah! That's awful that Marley was faced with racism at this age. She handled herself very well, though, which is a testament to you and Kris. I'm so sorry this happened. I wanted to cry myself.
First of all, Marley is too cute.
Second, this is the world we live in. Things like this happen or are going to happen. Sure it sucks and we all get mad about it but it is best used as a learning opportunity. Just find solace in the fact that she knows how to hand;e these types of situations if they come up again (which we hope it won't).
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